If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
