fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
