my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
