am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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