my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
