We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
