i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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