I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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