Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
