She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize