We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
