yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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