Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
