I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
