Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
