Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
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He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
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He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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