Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize