the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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