i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
