i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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