omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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