Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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