Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
