haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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