I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
