I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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