Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
