is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
