So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
i think my cat just said my name.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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