u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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