apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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