You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
