That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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