Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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