I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Enjoy the penises
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
