I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
