Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
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Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
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When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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