Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
