her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
