Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
