I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize