Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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