see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
