every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
