Im at strip club and am horny
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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