and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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