I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
