Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
