meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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