Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
