I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
