i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
