I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Randomize
