so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
