What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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