I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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